Most farms back then had a little wooden building that looked
like an outhouse (most farms also had an outhouse) but was a ‘meathouse’, a
place to smoke or cure hams and bacon. Clifford, our local mentor memorably
once said of Richard Nixon, “I wouldn’t trust that man in my meathouse with a
muzzle.”
When we had just moved here, Clifford assumed we would need a
milk cow, a pair of feeder pigs, and a team of mules, and he made sure that we
got these necessary adjuncts to rural life. He taught us how to milk; his wife
Louise taught me to make butter. He helped John learn how to plow with Pete and
Molly, our red mules. And he showed John all about butchering pigs (the worst
part is shooting the pigs but that’s quick and the rest is very messy but
fascinating—all those guts fit in there so neatly and there’s no way you could
ever put them back.)
As the years went, Clifford and Louise moved away but pig butchering
remained a social event of the winter season—usually Super Bowl weekend. On
Saturday, John and a couple of his friends would do in the pigs, scrape off all
the bristles, and cut the carcasses into quarters, leaving the meat in the barn
to cool overnight.
Saturday always involved major amounts of wood fire, boiling
water, and Wild Turkey or Famous Grouse. All I had to do was cook a really good
lunch for the guys and maybe cut up the liver and kidneys to freeze for
catfood. And render the lard. If I’d followed the mountain tradition, I’d have
made liver mush and cooked the brains and boiled the heads for souse. But John
assured me he really didn’t want any part of that tradition.
The next day, usually Super Bowl Sunday, involved reducing the
quarter sections into slices, ribs, backbone, and sausage, then wrapping and
labelling same for the freezer. The guys would set up our big maple dining
table so they could watch the pregame stuff while they dissected the joints,
and I would be in the kitchen, grinding meat for sausage and wrapping pork
parts.
All the while out boys were growing up, we did this—the milk
cow and the pigs. But once the boys were off to school, keeping a cow and
raising pigs didn’t make economic sense. So, we stepped back from the traditional
way of life—as had many of our neighbors.
But that’s not what this story is about. This story is about
the very last time we bought pigs.
All the old farmers we used to buy pigs from had died or quit
keeping breeding sows, and there were no young pigs to be had in our area.
Finally, we saw an ad in the Asheville newspaper for feeder pigs, called the
number, and got directions to a place on the other side of Asheville. Off we
went in John’s pickup with a big metal dog crate in the back to put the piglets
in.
The directions led us to a semi-rural area with nice tidy
home, occupied, it seemed, mainly by Black families, but we couldn’t find the
exact place we needed. At last a man we asked directed us to a nearby clump of
woods where a derelict house trailer sat.
We got out and warily approached the trailer. It was
surrounded by rusting washing machines, ruined upholstered furniture, and other
assorted junk. It really didn’t look as if anyone could live there but as we
stood, waiting for inspiration, the sagging trailer door swung open and the
fattest man I’d ever seen leaned out. He was unshaven and his grimy white
undershirt failed miserably to reach his greasy trousers, leaving a great bulge
of pale belly flesh lolling free.
“What you want?” He eyed us suspiciously and we explained that
we were looking to buy some pigs.
“They ain’t my pigs—they belong to a colored feller lives over
there—up the road a ways. He’s at work now. You uns just go on back there and
get you two then come back and pay me. I can’t get around so good so I can’t take
you up there but you just follow that road there through the trees and you’ll
find ‘em.”
The road through the trees was a pair of deep ruts—so deep
that it was impossible to get out of them, impossible to avoid running over the
rumpled carcass of a dead speckled rooster that lay in one track. Amongst the
trees were several rusted-out school buses, more old appliances, some puzzling
blue plastic stuff, and other things, possibly nuclear waste, that we really
didn’t want to investigate.
At the end of the rut road was a series of pens, some with
flimsy tarpaper roofs, and mostly constructed of old pallets that were held
together with rusty wire. The little pigs—about sixteen of them—were in the leftmost
pen and we peered into the gloom to see a scrum of black piglets, milling about
in at least an inch of pig shit. (Pig shit, if you didn’t know, is about the
most obnoxious and long-lasting smell there is. Cow manure is pleasant in
comparison.)
But the piglets looked healthy, so John (my her0) crawled in
through the low door to attempt to catch a pig, trying to ignore the slippery,
stinking floor and to concentrate on the two largest pigs, about thirty
pounders. He made a desperate grab and snagged a candidate by the hind legs,
the accepted method for dealing with small pigs. Young pig squealed bloody
murder and in the next pen, The Mother Pig from Hell reared up her
six-hundred-pound bulk, put her front trotters on the flimsy boards separating
her from John, and glared at him over the partition. She was solid black,
red-eyed, and frothing (literally) at the mouth. Which mouth, by the way,
displayed wicked yellow two-inch ‘tushes’ (tusks) on either side.
Mama didn’t like what John was doing with her baby and the pen
shook with her disapproval. John, thinking quickly, opened the pen door and
thrust the little pig out at me—but I had jumped up in the back of the truck at
the first sight of Mama.
“Take the goddam pig!” he hollered. I did and he dived back in
with the piglets, grabbed a random second pig, and was back in the truck in
about thirty seconds, keeping a keen eye on the swaying and totally inadequate
wall between himself and the Black Sow of Doom.
Piglets secured in the crate, we backed back down the ruts,
over the rooster and past the appliance graveyard, paid the very fat fella, and
headed home.
“Well,” I said, wiping the pig shit off my hands onto my
jeans, “that’s as much fun as I’ve had in quite a while.”
“I’m just glad,” said John, “that your mother can’t see us
now.”
On the way home we stopped at a little country store to get
some cold drinks. John said I should go in as I had less shit on me, which was
true.
As I paid for our cans
of Coke, I became aware that all the grubby, tobacco-spitting old men lounging
around the place were looking at me real strange and sniffing meaningfully in
my direction.
I grinned as I climbed back into the truck. It had been a day
to remember.
