Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Where Do Nails Come From?


It all began that night at the Workbench -- yeah, I know, the regulars are a bunch of tools but, hey, it's handy, man.

Me and some of the other fellas were drinking Rusty Nails -- it'd been that kind of a week and I was ready to get hammered.
Nine-Inch Nails was playing and the pounding beat was really getting to me when all of a sudden Brad says, 'Hey, hey, hey, look at that hot-dipped, galvanized little number. How'd you like to nail that one?"

And I see her over there, all shiny-slim and sharp-looking.  She's with a couple of tacky losers, you know, the kind they always say has a terrific personality, but this one, well, she can ride in my nail belt any time!

Me, I'm a big galoot, tough as nails, and I stand out in this crowd of common nails. I can see she's looking me over, but playing it cool, you know what I'm sayin'?


 So I sort of meander on over to where she is and offer her a coffin-nail. We stand there smoking for a while, just kind of getting to know one another. I ask does she come here for the music and she says yeah, I hit the nail on the head -- it sure wasn't for the company.

Turns out her name's Penny and she's got a boyfriend named Spike but I know this Spike --thinks he's a big stud when he's nothing but a common framing nail --I could chew him up and spit out carpet tacks.

One thing leads to another and I ask can I drive her home. She wants to know am I hitting on her but than she says yeah and ditches the girlfriends and once we're at her place, it doesn't take long for us to get to the point, if you know what I mean. 
++++++++++
I didn't see her again - months went by  and one night I'm on the computer, checking out exotic fasteners and then watching a video called 'Nailin' Palin.' when I get a call.

It's the hot number from the bar. She has to remind me and then-- well, not to put too fine a point on it, she tells me I'm a daddy --  says there's all these little nails and they're crowding her out of the house and she wants me to do something.

I think I'll go get hammered.

Go HERE for more Magpie Tales.


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43 comments:

Catalyst said...

Oh, spectacular! You're a winner, Vicki! Tack it on your board!

Maha said...

Poor guy!
I totally enjoyed reading it.

Victoria said...

Vicki, this had me laughing out loud all the way through it. You really nailed it!

joanny said...

Vicki

You creative genius with a sharp as a tack wit--I will come straight to the point... my side is hurting from laughing so hard.....
One never knows what to expect from you --- humorous -- enjoyable
Joanny

Uma Gowrishankar said...

That was really good, had me in splits. Your take on prompts every week is so different, enjoy reading your pieces so much.

spacedlaw said...

I loved working out the idioms. Very funny.

Peter Goulding said...

Hi Vicki, seems it doesn't matter what genre of writing you turn your hand to, its always top notch. Some groans, some belly-laughs!
I'm glad you left the screws back in the tool box!

Martin H. said...

How can I say this tackfully? I was riveted from the first sentence.

little hat said...

Yes Vicki, Very good. Very funny. You milked it for everything. Nailed it!

Geetly said...

Atleast he had those months to be by himself before he was probably hammered for life.

Amazing and funny. ITs always a pleasure to read your stories Vicki.

My Carolina Kitchen said...

What a fun play on words Vicki. I enjoyed every minute of reading this.
Sam

Jessie said...

lol
you are the creative one this time!!! loved it!

Vicki Lane said...

Oh, that was so much fun to do! Thanks, you all.

Lyn said...

I'm bursting with glee over this fabulous interpretation! How good can you get??

NCmountainwoman said...

I loved it. I don't often laugh in the mornings, but this one made me chuckle.

Brian Miller said...

poor guy, but amazing tale and wit...lol.

Tipper said...

Great! I may never look at nails in the same way : )

Angie Muresan said...

Very, very funny. And so very good.

willow said...

This is just TOO cute, Vicki!! I wish I had written it!

Vicki Lane said...

Thanks, Lyn!

Glad to have brought some cheer to this gray morning, Mountainwoman!

You guys always stick together, Brian.

You never know what they're up to in the tool box, Tipper.

Thanks, Angie and Willow. The week's offerings go from the ridiculous to the sublime -- I know where I am.

R. Burnett Baker said...

Vicki, this was too much fun! Great, funny story, and a vernacular language lesson to boot!!

Friko said...

you certainly nailed that story, good and proper.
Great fun!

Liza said...

This is HILARIOUS!!!

Well done!

Pat transplanted to MN said...

Ha ha ha! You nailed it for sure. Rusty nails too! Clever, and funny. I got a stitch in my side from laughing! Never thought nails could be so amusing.

Vicki Lane said...

Thanks, folks! Someday I might get serious . . . but not yet.

Reader Wil said...

Vicki! A really great magpie tale. It got my eyes riveted on the story!Very nice.

Callie said...

Love all the word picture this bring to mind.

steviewren said...

Can you hear me laughing...cause I am. You really hit the nail on the head with this one! Perfect!

Suz said...

Simply perfection!

Jean Baardsen said...

Vicki, that was so funny!! I really enjoyed it. You must have chuckled the whole time you were writing it.

Kathleen said...

Very funny! I was laughing out loud.

Vicki Lane said...

Riveted, eh, Wil? Good one!

Glad you all enjoyed my silliness!

Lisa said...

Yes, Yes, Yes. This was amazing, witty, funny, and absolutely delightful. You took creativity and imagination to a whole new level. You took the prompt literally and made it literary! Bravo. :)

Enchanted Oak said...

A great tale of the nail. So many wonderful, clever remarks. Excellent work!

Bachelor said...

Way too creative... so funny! Loved it! :) The Bach

The Bug said...

I had to explain to my husband why I was laughing so hard - I thoroughly enjoyed this tale!

Jennifer said...

Love it Vicki,
Charming and humorous.

SUN DANCE HILL said...

So funny, nicely done Vicki. BTW, love your dust cover - is that the final version, or will you make changes?

Vicki Lane said...

Many thanks, Lisa, though I know some writers of literary fiction who would laugh at that statement!

Thank you, thank you, Enchanted Oak, Bach, Bug, and Jennifer!

Sun Dance Hill -- I have no control over the cover -- it's in the hands of the Art Department, Marketing, and my editor. Since it's up on Amazon, I expect that's the final version -- except if it gets some terrific review pre-publication or maybe a blurb from some Big Name (Stephen King? Are you out there?) -- they will add same.

chiccoreal said...

Vicki Lane: You do how to nail the puns! Man, you're good! As nail puns go, humans are so hung up on nails terminology eg., everything "nail" being so important in our vernacular and colloquial speech. How the seemingly lowly nail driven like old "Spike" into our collective hammerheads. You most certainly have nailed this prompt! You got me rollin' in the aisles! "Spike" hahah! Love the personification of the "nail"; reminds me of a cartoon. The next Woody Woodpecker and Nail Hammer! Excellent comedic piece!

Vicki Lane said...

Thanks, chicoreal -- I do love a pun!

Vagabonde said...

Vicki – I have been away and have to read many blogs, so I read your post quickly and am sorry to say many expressions are going way above my head, as they say. Play on words in English is hard – I usually get them (not always) if I read them several times. I get the British ones easier than the American ones, as I read so many old Brit books. So, I’ll come back to read them again.

Vicki Lane said...

Dear Vagabonde -- Don't worry about commenting! This blog stuff is supposed to be fun. And I know that some of these puns and slang expressions are going to escape an English as a second language person. Heavens, they may escape some native speakers -- I dug pretty deep for some of them!