Friday, April 25, 2014

You've Got Mail, Old Lady!

I used to love getting mail. When I was very young, I sent off for various free offers, just for the thrill of getting a package. I remember the excitement of receiving a slim little kitchen knife with an orangey-brown plastic handle and a serrated blade that might cut a slice of Wonder Bread but that had a little fork on the end, handy for snagging pickles out of a deep jar.

So when I got a little package in the mail yesterday that said it was full of valuable coupons, of course I took a look . . .


Bummer! Also downer!  As I leafed through the coupons, I detected a certain theme -- reverse mortgages, a fancy cane, AARP membership, scooter chairs, plantar fasciitis relief, compression hose, hearing aids, stuff for COPD, John Wayne memorabilia, stuff about grandchildren. a cuckoo clock (where exactly does this fit in to the senior lifestyle?) and worse. . .


Portable oxygen, stair lifts, alarm systems, bladder control, copper bracelets,  cheap catheters, medic alerts, wigs, hearing aid batteries, and a magazine called The Good Old Days -- presumably the days when all this stuff wasn't necessary.



It's enough to drive an old lady to drink.


15 comments:

B. Rogers, Living in Black Mountain said...

What a fun bottle, and it goes so well with the coupons, so of course you have a story to tell about how you got it! Inquiring minds want to know about Death's Door Gin.

Frances said...

Vicki, I knew there was a reason why I throw away those coupon-stuffed envelopes without opening them!

Thank you for strengthening my resolved to continue my disposal maneuvers. xo

Vicki Lane said...

Barb, my children gave me the DD gin -- they know I like gin and they know I like weird stuff.

Jim Egerton said...

That's a funny post. I have never seen such a complete list of stuff we have to have today at our age. Am I missing out? The gin sounds wonderful.

My sister use to keep a jar of gin with lots of raisins in it on the window sill and had a dollop of it every morning. Sort of a kick starter and cure all. Try it Vicki it may be the replacement for all the other stuff in that envelope.

jennyfreckles said...

Haha, that reminds me that on the exact day I turned 50 I got a free sample through my letterbox - a discreet little slim pad 'for those moments of personal moistness'! I'm 60+ now and I've never had to use it yet....!

NCmountainwoman said...

I can so identify with this. In addition we get robocalls (despite being on a no-call list) for medical alert systems. We block the number and they switch to another one. Persistent devils they are.

Lise said...

I'm laughing out loud. I've been looking for a new "temporary" home for a new employment opportunity I've recently accepted. I contacted a few leads that unknown to me were 55+. One woman asked me how old I was and when I told her I was 52, she said, "that's okay, that'll work" and I responded in a tone sharper than necessary, "NO. It WON'T. Thanks".

At least you haven't gotten a discreet little pad like Jenny!

Suz said...

good grief!!!
that made my day
Death Door sounds yummy

Vicki Lane said...

Jim -- a past sheriff of our county got cited for DUI -- he claimed it was the gin-soaked raisins he was eating to ease his arthritis.

DD is a very floral/herbal gin. I wouldn't use it in a gin and tonic but it's really nice straight up or with a little soda.

Friko said...

What, no walk-in shower or baths?
Comes in every package of coupons here.

Carol Crump Bryner said...

Oh goodness. This is an LOL sort of post, although I suppose much of that stuff is really more useful at some point than it is funny. I love the Death's Door bottle.
A few years ago our daughter brought us a page from a magazine showing a baseball cap with these words on it - "Don't forget my senior discount!" I was never tempted to actually buy the hat, but I suppose it could come in handy on days when I forget I'm a senior.

Vicki Lane said...

Friko -- there are two ads for walk in baths -- I just didn't list everything...

Carol -- Oh, I'm keenly aware that, if I continue to go on living, sooner or later much of this will be useful -- my husband will tell you that I already need the hearing aid... and we have a walk in shower with grab bars installed when I had my knee replacement.

But I don't think I'll ever be old enough to want John Wayne memorabilia.

Anonymous said...

Chuck loves gin! Do you know where your kids got the Death's Door, Vicki?
Deana the queena

NCmountainwoman said...

I never understood those walk-in tubs. You have to close the door and then sit there naked while waiting for the tub to fill and then sit there chilling while waiting for it to empty.

Vicki Lane said...

NC mountainwoman -- that had occurred to me as well -- will stick with the shower