A Discerning Admirer

                                                                             

Oh, look, it's another of those divorced/widowed lonely generals trolling Facebook for companionship . . .

Vicki Lane Hello there, beautiful  This is Michael. I couldn't help but notice how lovely your profile is and how stunning you look with that wonderful smile of yours.  Despite being divorced, I am hopeful for a second chance at happiness with a genuine woman like yourself.  Your profile and personality truly impressed me, and I appreciate your wit and charm. I usually don't leave comments, but I felt compelled to give you this compliment. I tried sending a friend request, but it seems to have not gone through. If you're open to it, would you please drop a message here on my official page? Thank you, beautiful. 

I particularly like that he's drawn to my wonderful smile. This is my picture on FB--the one that has so enchanted him.

                                                                                                                                            

Lucky Me

                                                                     

       

02/08/2023	Greenwise	Your Plan to become Debt Free and How We Might Be Able to Help
02/08/2023	Greenwise	Your Plan to become Debt Free and How We Might Be Able to Help
02/06/2023	Ninja Air Fryer Winner	Your order has shipped! - Ninja Air Fryer
02/08/2023	REGISTRAR	Your Name Came Up For a iPhone 13 customer Gift
02/07/2023	COVID-19 Tests	Your Insurance Covers 8 at-home Covid Tests (Claim Now)
02/08/2023	Consumer Rewards	You've been chosen!
02/08/2023	Walmart Department	You have won an Simplehuman Sensor Trashcan
02/08/2023	Samsung Neo QLED 8K Smart TV Department	You have won an Samsung Neo QLED 8K Smart TV
02/05/2023	Ace Rewards	You have won an Makita Power Drill
02/08/2023	Nordstrom Winner	You have won an Le Creuset
02/08/2023	Nordstrom Winner	You have won an Le Creuset
03:45:50 PM	iPhone 14 Pro Department	You have won an iPhone 14 Pro
02/08/2023	Lowe's Customer Support	You have won an Dewalt Heater

 

Am I lucky or what? I checked in on my old, mostly

 inactive, email account to make sure I wasn’t missing

 an actual communication from a person. Well, turns

 ou I am incredibly blessed. To begin with, I’m told

 that my shoulder holster payment (shoulder

 holster?) is covered. And a Ninja Air Fryer has

 shipped. (I never ordered one.)

But wait, there's more!  I’ve 'won’ a Simplehuman

 Sensor trashcan, a Samsung Smart TV, a Makita

 power drill and a Le Creuset. Golly!

And, for the cherry on top, I’m offered a “a Forgotten

 Viking Fierce Teeth Ritual” that makes teeth 20 times

 stronger. Arrrr!

Look for me any day now, wearing my shoulder holster (I'll put

 the power drill in it) and sporting a Viking smile. I may have

 to rent a storage unit for all the other stuff.

L

Those Guys . . .

Not a day goes by that I don't get an invitation on Facebook to friend some lonely guy -- usually widowed, sometimes divorced.  A great number of these fellas are really into the American flag and are generals. Many are from Texas City, Texas, or California City, California. If they're not generals, they work for Big Oil Company. Most have oddly backwards names Donnelly Joe, or Johnson Jim.  I used to take a quick look at their profiles to see if, perchance, they were real people but now whenever I see the American flag in the background of their profile thumbnail, I just DELETE and mark as SPAM, figuring that even if they were real people with a flag fetish, they'd likely be 45 supporters and I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

Then there are the bower bird guys -- the ones who pose with their expensive cars or boats or houses. And there are those who favor bouquets of flowers and hearts and sweet sayings. Or kittens and puppies. Out with all of them.

Yesterday I got an invitation from a Mr. Mobley. His names were in the right order and he looked plausible enough so I checked his profile. From Mississippi, attended Ol' Miss -- he almost seemed real. Who knows, maybe he reads my books. Maybe he's another writer.

Then I looked at his friends --

Hmm. Every one of them a lissome young guy with an unpronounceable name -- occasionally a name in a font for some Arabic or Hindu language.

Sorry, Mr. Mobley. I don't think you're my type.

Caught in the Filter

My email's spam filter works hard to keep me safe and once a day it sends me a link to view and give the thumbs up or down to all its captures, in their infinite variety.

Much of it is from places where I once ordered something on line -- a leather handbag, some sheets, a cat toy.

And there's lots of clutter from liberal/progressive/ left wing causes  because I've signed a petition or made a donation –  I swear, make a donation to Planned Parenthood because Sarah Palin pissed you off and you’re on their list for life.

Then there are others that are puzzling because I don't know why why they're targeting me.

  

Easier to get approved!  -- one says and it's tempting, because deep down, isn’t that what we all want -- approval?

Online education – study the world of ultrasound technology – perhaps this could be my big break and an exciting new career.

Or perhaps not. I might become a woodworker if I just follow this link that promises

You can build almost anything.

Cheap solar panels, iPad minis, Toilet paper coupons, Pure white kidney bean extract, Credit scores, Throw away your glasses -- okay, I did order some cheap reading glasses on line so I guess that's where they got my email. Funny though, if the glasses company sells names to the throw away your glasses folks,  don't they realize they could be losing  customers?

Look twenty again  -  Right.

 Solutions for every body type -- I'm almost afraid to ask.

Eliminate fine lines and wrinkles -- No more ironing?

Then the offers get even more  urgent and more puzzling:

There is a perfect person for you – find them now!

Pregnant and uninsured – take action now!

Resources for depression help!

Affordable private rehab !

 Be a man, restore your confidence !

Who in the world do these spammers think I am?

At last I hit one that may answer my question. A genealogy site I once used in making a family tree for one of my character warns me:

VICKI LANE!  -- YOUR IDENTITY HAS CHANGED!!!

Well, that explains it. Evidently, now in addition to being wrinkled,overweight, and aging (but then, who isn't aging?) I'm also a lonely, pregnant, uninsured, depressed, addicted, un-confident man.

Good luck on finding that perfect person for me.

Hair Spam

Sharing an especially enigmatic message I received -- all pictures from the internet.

"If you have a great rectangular confront lowering make the impression of width in order to stability the length of the eye. If the hair is brief it is essential that it's not at all to be able to tight or even slender because using extension cables for you to previously loss of hair will only combine difficulties. It is good if you may analysis initial before attempting that upon. Very good. Good fortune on the brand-new change."

 

" We strong condition my personal head of hair weekly, either overnight or allow it sit down on my hair with a bathtub hat for two several hours. Following cowashing, I use a new leave-in strengthener as well as rake serum through our head of hair in modest parts and permit the idea for you to atmosphere dried up. During wintertime several weeks, I could sit within comfortable hooded dryer for 25 units to speed the method. While I get sick and tired of lying to using my own head of hair (which does not take place usually), I am going to put it within turns and keep these looking for a few weeks."

  

Spoetry

As well as regardless  of

whether upon

slim or even heavy

as well as thin or even broad feet,

 you can observe Religious Louboutin footwear grinning for you.

I've mentioned before how I enjoy some of the spam I receive. The above 'spoem' was copied without changes from a longer email.  

And I manufactured the collage by combining two images from the Internet -- a pair of Laboutin heels and a picture of Madid's Nuestra Señora del Buen Suceso -- and there you have it --  Religious Laboutin footwear grinning (well, smiling ) for you.

My brain may explode at the concept...

There's Glory For You

 It's always nice to be appreciated. An anonymous commenter left the following on one of my past posts:

Thanks for placing up this article. I'm unquestionably frustrated with struggling to research out pertinent and rational commentary on this matter. everyone now goes in the direction of the amazingly much extremes to possibly generate home their viewpoint that either: everyone else within earth is wrong, or two that everyone but them does not genuinely recognize the situation. pretty numerous many thanks for the concise, pertinent insight....   

Of course, the fact that I was being praised for my concise, pertinent insight into the making of cheese biscuits tends to make me a little suspicious. . .